My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
