awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
