So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
