i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
