He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
