i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
