Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize