my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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