im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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