she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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