I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
