he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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