I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
