please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
