I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
