He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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