he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize