you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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