I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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