your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You took a bar mat shot.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
