I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
