Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
