ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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