Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
