Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
