I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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