Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
