Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
there is glitter all over my balls
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