This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
