I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize