just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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