I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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