i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
