Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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