I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
