apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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