The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
