Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
