Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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