I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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