Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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