I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
