My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize