I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
