Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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