My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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