Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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