Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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