I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
