he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
