She is in my trunk
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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