Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
