I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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