oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i wish my penis had a tongue
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize