I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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