you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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