I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
