He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
