i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
