No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
