she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
