God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
