2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize