We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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