i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
