It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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