He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize