I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
