dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
