I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
