U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
