i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
